From Living by Default to Living by Design
Most people when they sit down to understand what they really want, they start by listing off a bunch of things “they think they want”… but you’ll see how that can actually be misleading for many of us.
We must first be able to distinguish the parts of life that are truly the result of who we really are, and those that are the result of who we’ve been conditioned to be.
Only then, can we move forward with greater awareness of who we really are, and select for the truth that lies within us, and truly capture what we really want in alignment with ourselves internally and not from the outside feedback.
So, here are the steps that I believe can help anyone understand what they really want in a more authentic way.
1 — Realize Where in your Life you Didn’t Consciously Choose your Life
We Learn What WE Want from Others
What we truly want is buried under fear, obligation, conditioning, and other people’s expectations.
Life almost always for almost all of us becomes about:
- what we were told is realistic
- What our parents and those around us value
- What feels safe
- What pays the bills
- What other people expect from us
- What we were taught we are supposed to do and want
Ask yourself: “Which parts of my life did I actually choose, and which happened by default?”
The first step to knowing what you really want is having a decent awareness that your life may not be what you chose, so that you can be aware where you can choose differently.
2 — Understand what you DO NOT WANT so that you know WHAT DO WANT
You might know more Clearly what You DO NOT Want
And that’s fine, and actually very helpful. You can look at what you do NOT want, and you can understand better what you DO want.
This is why contrast exists in life — to help us get clear on what we DO want.
And most often, this is how we make decisions about what we DO want -it first comes from realizing some kind of dissatisfaction, dissonance, misalignment, unfulfillment, being displeased, disconnected…etc. And from here we can begin the quest to truly understand what’s on the other side — what is it pointing to?
3 — Do an Inventory of what Energizes You and what Drains You
This is such an important exercise, because we are most often working on autopilot — having to do this and having to do that… not realizing that we DON’T HAVE TO do it all… we can actually choose what we truly feel aligned with, and find ways to delegate (or eliminate) those things that are not in alignment with us.
What Expands You vs. What Drains You
What energizes you, what do you love, what fulfills you, what fills you up with a love for life, what makes time fly by or you loose track of time, when do you feel more expansive, what activities make you feel alive?
What kinds of things do you avoid doing or feel exhausted having to do them, when do you procrastinate, when do you feel like your life is more performance than real living, when you do things out of obligation or expectation, when does it feel like time is barely moving?
Okay… so 1,2,3 are meant to clear “the muck” a little — “part the clouds” a bit… give you a sense of what’s happening in your life, and give a barometer of the alignment vs. misalignment with your life.
1 — You learn where your life is not actually YOURS, per se.
2 — You understand what you do NOT want (and perhaps, better what you DO want)
3 — And you realize there may be parts of life you may NOT want to keep participating in and may wish to change.
NOW, you are ready for the bigger step… Knowing YOUR VALUES.
4 — Uncovering Your UNIQUE Values System
I wrote an entire article about this topic. Please go to THIS LINK and read it. I will not cover in detail here what I wrote there, but I do want to mention, that this is one of the MOST IMPORTANT exercises (and later practice) that you will want to adopt in your life as a guide to keep you on track with your inner construction of what matters to you.
This is what I want you to know about Your Unique Values System:
- We all have a unique set of values, with a specific hierarchy, that our brain uses to run and create our reality. The brain uses this system, based on your specific values, to give meaning to life, to sort experiences based on those values, and then prioritize resources to inform what your brain pursues for you or ignores.
- It is this values system that will give you clarity on what you might have discovered in steps 1,2,3 — and it will give you an idea of why that is.
- Your mind is programmed to fulfill YOUR VALUES, and it does so in a particularly hierarchy — this is why you will achieve goals in alignment with your values fairly effectively and efficiently, but you might procrastinate or sabotage yourself or maybe have to push very hard to fulfill others.
Please read the entire article I wrote about values, since it also connects to your Purpose and Mission in life — uniquely designed for you, out of your highest values. And then if you want to go deeper, I have also written an article on Purpose, Mission, Calling, and Vision.
Lastly, once you’ve gone through steps 1 to 4, the last step is FUN.
5 — Make time to TUNE INTO and CONNECT with what your Life LOOKS LIKE in what you DO WANT
By the time you finish with step 4, you’ll have a pretty good sense of what you truly do want— that’s in alignment with you, and you’ll have a good sense of why that matters because you’ll know your Values more intimately — you’ll know the system behind that alignment with what you truly want.
So, then you can use all this as a guide-post — as an anchor, to meditate — to sit down, in silence, connected with your inner being — your Spirit and your Soul — and tune into what it would be like for you to live a life in those aspects of what you truly want; live a life in your specific values.
Do this over and over, refine it, tune it, get more connected to it, and leave room to surrender to the unknown — the way that it’s going to manifest for you. Because it’s not your job to know “how” it will unfold, it is your job only to know “what” it looks like and “why” it matters.
I hope this helps you get closer to having a life you really want. This is the process I have used to gain clarity and certainty about my own inner alignment for a life that I really believe is MINE, and I hope you’ll find it helpful for yourself as well.
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